I’ll confess: I’ve started this post at least five times over the past 13 months.
Usually? It’s been on a Monday.
Why? Well there’s a decent chance if you are a woman reading this, you have said this to yourself roughly five thousand times: “I’ve eaten so badly lately, but I’ll turn it around. But I’ll wait until Monday. I’ll start Monday.”
And we live in this doom loop over and over again. Does this resonate with anyone?
Step 1: Stressors include ordinary day-to-day life; grief because of death, disability and/or disease, and disappointments (or “the big 3” as I call them); and what I suspect is everybody’s first global pandemic; etc.
Step 2: Quick fixes, for me anyway, are Starbucks; baked goods; stealthily-devoured handfuls of M&Ms; and other quickly-seized indulgences. For you, they may be wine, beer, cigarettes, drugs… whatever the case, we know the drill.
Step 3: We feel great for a hot minute or more, until…
Step 4: …we feel worse. WAY worse. For me, it’s been seeing myself on my kids’ virtual learning screens and going, “$h!t, THAT’S what I look like?” Or seeing a gigantic shadow the too few times I’ve endeavored to go for a walk. It’s been putting on clothes that have gotten tighter and tighter. It’s meant feeling exhausted, discouraged, and disgusted with myself. After a warranted pity party, I proceed to the next step…
Step 5: MAKE ALL THE TO-DO LISTS. GET ON PINTEREST AND PIN ALL THE WORKOUTS AND RECIPES. BUY THAT BAG OF SPINACH – NO, THIS TIME, IT WON’T LOOK LIKE A SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT WHEN IT’S STAYED IN THE FRIDGE, UNOPENED FOR WEEKS. Shit, if I’m really serious, I may even make a vision board. This time is going to be different. I’ll start Monday.
And I have 2-3 days of awesome progress until…
Well…
… [hangs head in shame, with chocolate syrup taking over blood, feeling like ass]
…back to step 1.
And we ALL have a lot in our Step 1 stressor lists, even pre-COVID.
Before COVID, when I started this post, I wanted to lose 20 lbs.
Now? It’s 30-35 lbs.
W. T. F.
I’m not all that unique when it comes to these feelings. Many of us want to break bad habits and lose weight. I figure this is a nearly-universal plight, especially for women, to reach these kinds of goals, while staying somewhat sane. And we spend lots of money and spin our wheels doing the same things again and again, expecting triumph, but feeling tragic instead.
But this is another thing I’ve realized: the weight I have put on, specifically in the 6+ years since I have stayed at home with my kids, comes from three things: one thing, and two Things.
The lower-case t thing? Well, 2014-Me knew.
If I’m honest, I shouldn’t call it stress eating, but rather, bingeing. But it also isn’t my place to get all diagnostic. Though I do think I’ll dig into this in a future post. But for now really, the things that matters most are the upper-case T Things:
- Attempting to stuff away my grief, heartache, and frustration with food, when I really need to just face those horrible feelings head-on, unpack them, let them coarse through me, and then, accept them.
- Assuming the role of everyone’s caretaker so thoroughly that I drown out my own needs, to the extreme that I’m barely giving myself the bare minimum – let alone the best attention I deserve.
I can’t tell you how many times I have eaten something indulgent because Luke is screaming, or the after-school pace of life is frantic, or, because, in some reverberation of my psyche, I’m hearing myself, “What else can you do? What else do you GET? You’ve been through so much.”
Now, are treats bad all the time? No.
But the way I’ve indulged to the point of discomfort? That’s not okay.
And if I examine a typical day in my life, I clearly see that from breakfast to bedtime, I’m so into my kids’ needs that I don’t even KNOW what I need.
So, I’ve examined that day-in-the life, so I see that it’s time to follow the flight attendant’s advice and put on my oxygen mask first.
For the next few months, I’m going to chronicle my journey to drop this weight. I’ve decided to open up about this for a couple of reasons:
- to keep myself accountable
- to support you in your journey, if it looks anything like mine
Weight loss advice*** is EVERYWHERE, and I am not here to talk Whole 30, Keto, Nutriboom, or anything else that is out there.
[Aside: Nutriboom is not a real thing, but something created and covered in the brilliant and hilarious TV Show, Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Do yourself a favor and watch it NOW.]
But what I want to talk about is the WHY of weight gain, because I think my why and your why might have a good deal in common. And if anything I learn can help me succeed and you succeed? I am all for that.
It’s been three Mondays since I’ve started my work on weight loss, and I can’t wait to share more with you about how that’s going! In the meantime, if you’re feeling like “starting on Monday,” I want you to know you’re worth the time and effort it’s going to take! So… slay the day – whatever that looks like for you!
[For what it’s worth: today is February 1, and I’ve long believed that it is foolish to begin any New Year’s Resolutions before this day, because despite the fact that the calendar says January has 31 days, it actually has 77 days of sanity-breaking bull$h!t, EVERY YEAR, and good Lord am I glad it is over. Can I get an amen?]
***PLEASE NOTE: I will not use this series to promote any specific method of weight loss or any type of product, direct sales/MLM or otherwise, to achieve those ends. While I love comments and engagement on my blog, I urge you not to promote any personal businesses or favorite diet plans. I HEARTILY welcome discussion of how you have done emotional work.
Put another way: don’t you damn dare try to sell your stuff here. Don’t be that a-hole. <3
